How we met

How we met

Anonymous messages,
Received at irregular moments.
Pondering questions floating
Aimlessly around my mind.
Who are you?

Poems, words,
Imagined voices in my ears,
The same person, signed
Kisses, D
Please, who are you?

New post:
‘I would love a pen pal’
New message:
‘I would also love a pen pal’
Is this you?

Doorbell rings,
Presenting a parcel at the tip of my toes.
Restless hands tear it apart.
A letter, from you?
Kisses, D

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Growing Up

Growing Up

I lack skill in the memory department, so trying to reminisce about growing up is proving to be quite a challenge.

Family is the word I am struggling to avoid, most likely because they are the people who have managed to shape the person that I have become. Family are the people that guided me through my first steps, praised me as I mumbled over my first word and wiped my mouth as I, persistently, kept attempting to demolish my first birthday cake. I loved nothing more than wasting each minute with my family, laughing about things that not many others would find worthy of a crooked smile.

I remember the memories we created with my grandparents in their caravan, just past Newcastle. We would spend weekends, Easter breaks and every moment of summer together in this compact container. I feel myself almost holding my breath as I think about the sleeping arrangements, with beds so compressed that I’m lucky to stay put throughout the night. I spent nights attempting to sleep with the constant bleats of noise in the field beyond my bed. The local clan of teenagers, clearly seeking something to rid them of their boredom, often enjoyed setting the whin buses alight. There would be sirens and havoc amongst the insignificant village within minutes. I recall every incident as if it were yesterday.

As everyone knows, schooling affects the development of a person whether it’s for the better, or for worse. I adored school, I loved to learn new things. I was always baffled by how much there was to learn about. Whereas, socially, I struggled. Oblivious, and wanting a mutual friendship, I always found myself grasping hold of those that I could never truly trust. On the idea that I was destined to have no friends, I restricted the time I spent with other people. To my surprise, I would later meet some people that would make me feel accepted in who I am, and the encouragement to grow as a person.

Growing up is perpetual. Despite that we grow physically as a child, we still continue to grow and learn new things every day of our lives that affect who we are.

Home

Home

Home used to be a place. It was a house situated within many, many others. Assembled in a city that is inevitably growing. Due to the increase of children within our minuscule household, we receded to a more remote environment. Now, our house is fixed in a rustic, peaceful community. I adore how each morning, the picturesque scenery lives softly outside my window, as the sun pierces through the darkness to wake up the earth another day. While miles, and miles, of endless space permits children to explore from early hours of the morning until last thing at night. The smell of country roads and fresh grass perfuming the air encourages me to walk for hours and take in every little detail that the world has to offer.

Despite that my house is somewhere I can go to create memories and be with my family. The word home, for me, is seen as more of a feeling than a place. Home is the feeling I get when I am at ease. It is the lift in my shoulders when my thoughts endeavour to weigh me down. It can be the familiar, like the outbreak of laughter that leaves cheeks gleaming with tears. Home is security, when I am held hostage in my own mind, I think of home and I am free.

It is more than just a building, or a group of loved ones. Home is the structure, the strength and the ability to pull together as one.

All, then nothing.

All, then nothing.

It’s funny, how one minute everyone is by your side, joint at the hip, then at an unnoticeable fast pace, everyone seems to just vanish into thin air. The only people I’ve yet to see disappear is my immediate family. Though I know that won’t happen because I know they care, and know that it’d take a lot to lose them (so cliché, I know, but I’m serious).

Anyway, I remember in primary school I’d be friends with everyone in my class. We would all play around together with the occasional “fall out”, simply because someone peeked at their work or borrowed their gel pens. Things gradually changed, children grew to teenagers. Some were lovely, don’t get me wrong. But plenty were not, and those were the people I tended to fall next to. Many times my “best friend” had become nothing but a distant memory. Each grasping and holding onto a place in my mind, preventing itself from escaping. It’s a constant cycle that I keep getting stuck in. When I do manage to build a friendship, it always comes crumbling down one way or another. There has been quite a few times when it’s broken down because I was being taken advantage of. However, this pattern just seems to be repetitive and almost too often, I’m starting to wonder if it’s my own fault that I can’t keep relationships with other people. Perhaps they don’t really understand me, or perhaps I’m just not who they thought I was to begin with. See, with me, I tend to “mask” the real me, my true personality, until I thoroughly know a person then I’ll start to “let my hair down”. And I’m assuming this would be quite difficult for people to get to terms with… I mean, it must be difficult to meet someone and think you’re alike and that you have a lot in common, to then realise that they aren’t who you thought – probably a bit weird.

Making friends isn’t something I do easily, at all. I barely speak to people I don’t know, let alone building a new relationship with someone. I’m not sure why I find it so difficult, I just do. I’m extremely jealous of those who can talk away to people they have never met before, I hate that I have so much social anxiety. However, on the rare occasion that I do manage to talk to someone, besides feeling very overwhelmed, it’s sort of nice and quite relieving to be reminded that there are other people in this world. Nice people.

It can be very lonely having no one there to talk to, whether it’s just being in their company or needing a shoulder to cry on. Building and sustaining friendships is an essential part to growing up, in my opinion. I believe that because I had bad experiences with it, my self confidence with making friends and talking to new people has suffered thoroughly. This bothers me, because my own ability to socialise was torn from me because of the actions of other people (sad, really). I often feel lonely, despite being in a crowd of people. And while I’m aware I have my family here, there are just some things that I’d prefer to discuss with a friend. I found myself in these situations quite often, having friends then none at all, over and over. That happened for years, still is happening if I’m honest – I am working on it, though.

I have also found that I need to be asked questions by another person in order for there to be an active conversation, I’m not good at that whatsoever. But, if someone asks me questions then I’m willing to answer them as best I can, as well as feeling like they want to talk to me.
So, I’m going to end this post by asking you to do me one favour. If you see someone struggling to talk to you, or even if they are sitting alone, talk to them. Ask them how they are, or what they did at the weekend. Although it may not be the case, they could have social anxiety too, and are not sure how to talk to other people, or make friends. Please, try to talk to them and make them feel like they are wanted, and listened to.

be the reason

 

Yet another new beginning

Yet another new beginning

A new beginning. What is that? I’ll tell you what it is – a phrase that I’ve announced far too often for it’s own good.

I’m 18 years of age, and already I’ve continually heard myself say that I’m going to have a “fresh start” or a “new beginning”. Upon saying this, I was expecting to just become happy with my life and finally become content with what I had and what I was doing, despite what anyone else thought. But, honestly, it isn’t that simple (as I’ve learnt more than enough times). I’ll admit I have tried more times than others to make it work for me, but it never did – at least not yet.

I let other peoples opinions infect and take over my own, I know I do – I just can’t seem to protect myself from it. So, if someone tells me I’m better off doing something else, whatever it may be, then I’ll think they are right and I’ll do it. Not always, but the majority of the time. My new beginnings haven’t always been for me, but perhaps for what I think other people want, so that in return I can make them happy, because I’m doing what they asked and what they wanted.

So, how many other people go through phases of taking a “fresh start”? Do they stumble upon obstacles that make them question the direction they chose? Yes, everyone does. But, how many is too many? For me, I believe these changes are inevitable.

Within the past two years, I’ve gone through many changes, two of which have affected me quite a lot. I don’t like change at the best of times, so having to deal with huge bouts of it at once can be quite difficult, and sometimes unbearable, for me to cope with. In September 2012, I began studying 3 A Levels – psychology, health and social care and ICT. I was happy, at the beginning. I thought, “This is good, I feel content. This is where I’m meant to be in life, I can achieve my grades and go on to university.” Little did I know, that I wouldn’t be as accomplished as I’d hoped. Things happened, I dropped out after only 5 months. I sunk like a ship in ice water, drowning for months until I decided I needed to breathe again. I wasn’t happy, or coping. Until I changed things, yet again, and they got better for a while. I applied to study health and social care in September 2013, at a college that I’d never heard of before. I didn’t know anyone there and although I was full of anxiety, I did it. A fresh start – again. I loved this course. I loved the people, the teachers, the environment. I was exceptionally happy, healthy and hopeful.

Until 2 weeks ago, things came crashing back in like an iceberg on that ship again. Except this time, it was fast. And right now, I’m falling through that water trying to catch a breath of air that I know I won’t reach anytime soon.

Again, I ask myself the same question as those other times before – what am I going to do now?
After researching about this, I found that a “new beginning” can only really be achieved when people are emotionally ready to behave and think in a completely different way, and are able to let go of the past. So, what happens to those who don’t find themselves ready to accept this change? Do they carry on in the already deprived situation that they are in? Or, do they force themselves to make this change, and if so, will that really work if it’s against their will? These are just questions that I tend to ask myself and query about others. Every person is different and each change will affect us in a different way, we just need to figure out what way works best for us individually.

Life isn’t supposed to be easy (why that is, I have no idea). But it’s something that, I guess, has to be sucked up and dealt with besides the obstacles we all must face on a daily basis. We face hard times, some try to confront them while others try to avoid them, both are going to face problems along the way. Everyone is going to face problems in life, they are 100 per cent inevitable. In order to provide the best for yourself in life, you must focus on what is ahead of you, rather than what is behind you. You’re only ever going to move forward, never backwards. Time is moving fast, and we are all running out of it. Take what you have and make the most out of it, reach for your goals and achieve what you are capable of, because one day you’re going to regret not doing them.

new begin

So, here I am again. Taking yet another new beginning…