All, then nothing.

All, then nothing.

It’s funny, how one minute everyone is by your side, joint at the hip, then at an unnoticeable fast pace, everyone seems to just vanish into thin air. The only people I’ve yet to see disappear is my immediate family. Though I know that won’t happen because I know they care, and know that it’d take a lot to lose them (so cliché, I know, but I’m serious).

Anyway, I remember in primary school I’d be friends with everyone in my class. We would all play around together with the occasional “fall out”, simply because someone peeked at their work or borrowed their gel pens. Things gradually changed, children grew to teenagers. Some were lovely, don’t get me wrong. But plenty were not, and those were the people I tended to fall next to. Many times my “best friend” had become nothing but a distant memory. Each grasping and holding onto a place in my mind, preventing itself from escaping. It’s a constant cycle that I keep getting stuck in. When I do manage to build a friendship, it always comes crumbling down one way or another. There has been quite a few times when it’s broken down because I was being taken advantage of. However, this pattern just seems to be repetitive and almost too often, I’m starting to wonder if it’s my own fault that I can’t keep relationships with other people. Perhaps they don’t really understand me, or perhaps I’m just not who they thought I was to begin with. See, with me, I tend to “mask” the real me, my true personality, until I thoroughly know a person then I’ll start to “let my hair down”. And I’m assuming this would be quite difficult for people to get to terms with… I mean, it must be difficult to meet someone and think you’re alike and that you have a lot in common, to then realise that they aren’t who you thought – probably a bit weird.

Making friends isn’t something I do easily, at all. I barely speak to people I don’t know, let alone building a new relationship with someone. I’m not sure why I find it so difficult, I just do. I’m extremely jealous of those who can talk away to people they have never met before, I hate that I have so much social anxiety. However, on the rare occasion that I do manage to talk to someone, besides feeling very overwhelmed, it’s sort of nice and quite relieving to be reminded that there are other people in this world. Nice people.

It can be very lonely having no one there to talk to, whether it’s just being in their company or needing a shoulder to cry on. Building and sustaining friendships is an essential part to growing up, in my opinion. I believe that because I had bad experiences with it, my self confidence with making friends and talking to new people has suffered thoroughly. This bothers me, because my own ability to socialise was torn from me because of the actions of other people (sad, really). I often feel lonely, despite being in a crowd of people. And while I’m aware I have my family here, there are just some things that I’d prefer to discuss with a friend. I found myself in these situations quite often, having friends then none at all, over and over. That happened for years, still is happening if I’m honest – I am working on it, though.

I have also found that I need to be asked questions by another person in order for there to be an active conversation, I’m not good at that whatsoever. But, if someone asks me questions then I’m willing to answer them as best I can, as well as feeling like they want to talk to me.
So, I’m going to end this post by asking you to do me one favour. If you see someone struggling to talk to you, or even if they are sitting alone, talk to them. Ask them how they are, or what they did at the weekend. Although it may not be the case, they could have social anxiety too, and are not sure how to talk to other people, or make friends. Please, try to talk to them and make them feel like they are wanted, and listened to.

be the reason

 

Even when the rain is falling, there is still room to shine

Even when the rain is falling, there is still room to shine

The title of this post is the caption I have provided to my painting (below). I didn’t originally intend for this painting to be as meaningful to me as it is now. But, it actually speaks more than I’d initially planned.

IMG_5838

The rain and storm represents the tough society we currently live amongst, and the hard reality of everyday life. The umbrella works as a protector against these obstacles, and therefore helps to let the fire rise. The fire is an individual, they are bright and colourful and continually growing to become better than they’ve ever been.

The umbrella, a protector, quite obviously against the rain and storm. Like life, we all have someone or something that manages to shield us from the reality of this harsh world. This could be a friend, family member or anyone that has managed to grasp onto your trust, like a bee stealing pollen from the richest flower. Sometimes, though, it isn’t as easy for some to have another person that they are able to call a guardian angel, to protect them from the storm on this earth. But for them, it’s okay because they rely on certain things or activities, such as an item they cherish, or crafts that they find helpful to relax and safely allow them to forget about what is going on, even for a little while. Meanwhile, there are people out there – though it may be rare – that are able to become their own protectors. They have a voice of their own, and they aren’t afraid to use it. They know what is best for them and being strong enough to actually become your own protector is honourable – and something I would love to aim for. Even standing up for what you believe in, or yourself. If you are able to tell people how you feel, especially if they are taking advantage of you, then that’s amazing (and, honestly, a characteristic that I completely admire). Stand up for what you believe in, become your own protector.

The rain and storm which falls upon, and around, the protector strives to destroy whoever is under it’s wing. Just like this world, a lot of people are going to do anything in their power to destroy the feelings of others, especially those who are happier than they are themselves. It’s funny, you know, how people want to corrupt the happiness of others to make themselves feel better. I would love to understand how that provides them with a positive emotion. What is so satisfying about destroying another person’s life? I’m keen to know. But as a wise, perceptive friend has told me (you can find her here), people will pick on those who have something they don’t, they are jealous. You’ve got to be happy and feel empowered, rather than insignificant, because they are thinking about how YOU are better than them. They will try to make you feel useless, and hopeless. You can’t let them win, you’ve got to become useful and hopeful for yourself and in doing so, you’ll help these people to realise that they can’t bring others down in order to get themselves up. The umbrella works as a shield to help when things are tough, but it isn’t going to hold itself up in the air. It’s up to yourself and how you deal with things that will determine your fate.

The fire begins weak and not so full of colour. This can only grow with the help of others, good and bad, as well as your own willpower. The protector provides them with good help, like I mentioned before, this could be someone or something. In this case, the umbrella is providing a cover for the rain upon the fire. If too much rain falls over it, then the fire is put out and, therefore the storm has ultimately won. So, it’s important that we have those protectors there to help us get through the worst of times that, although we might not like to admit it, can be quite the struggle to get through on our own. There is also the “bad” help from other people, those who provide us with negative, yet inspiring, memories. These moments in life are absolutely unavoidable, every single person living on this sphere named Earth will go through bad times in their lives. But, it’s essential that we learn from them, grow from them. The mistakes you’ve made will prepare you for most things in the future. It’s okay to make mistakes! You’ll never meet anyone that hasn’t made them, I can promise you that.

Be you’re own fire, take over everything that you love and enjoy, be yourself and aim as high as the sky. Burn the things that try to make you change who you are. And mostly, shine. Shine so bright that every other eye in the world almost melts at your passion. Because you do have the ability to do so.

Yet another new beginning

Yet another new beginning

A new beginning. What is that? I’ll tell you what it is – a phrase that I’ve announced far too often for it’s own good.

I’m 18 years of age, and already I’ve continually heard myself say that I’m going to have a “fresh start” or a “new beginning”. Upon saying this, I was expecting to just become happy with my life and finally become content with what I had and what I was doing, despite what anyone else thought. But, honestly, it isn’t that simple (as I’ve learnt more than enough times). I’ll admit I have tried more times than others to make it work for me, but it never did – at least not yet.

I let other peoples opinions infect and take over my own, I know I do – I just can’t seem to protect myself from it. So, if someone tells me I’m better off doing something else, whatever it may be, then I’ll think they are right and I’ll do it. Not always, but the majority of the time. My new beginnings haven’t always been for me, but perhaps for what I think other people want, so that in return I can make them happy, because I’m doing what they asked and what they wanted.

So, how many other people go through phases of taking a “fresh start”? Do they stumble upon obstacles that make them question the direction they chose? Yes, everyone does. But, how many is too many? For me, I believe these changes are inevitable.

Within the past two years, I’ve gone through many changes, two of which have affected me quite a lot. I don’t like change at the best of times, so having to deal with huge bouts of it at once can be quite difficult, and sometimes unbearable, for me to cope with. In September 2012, I began studying 3 A Levels – psychology, health and social care and ICT. I was happy, at the beginning. I thought, “This is good, I feel content. This is where I’m meant to be in life, I can achieve my grades and go on to university.” Little did I know, that I wouldn’t be as accomplished as I’d hoped. Things happened, I dropped out after only 5 months. I sunk like a ship in ice water, drowning for months until I decided I needed to breathe again. I wasn’t happy, or coping. Until I changed things, yet again, and they got better for a while. I applied to study health and social care in September 2013, at a college that I’d never heard of before. I didn’t know anyone there and although I was full of anxiety, I did it. A fresh start – again. I loved this course. I loved the people, the teachers, the environment. I was exceptionally happy, healthy and hopeful.

Until 2 weeks ago, things came crashing back in like an iceberg on that ship again. Except this time, it was fast. And right now, I’m falling through that water trying to catch a breath of air that I know I won’t reach anytime soon.

Again, I ask myself the same question as those other times before – what am I going to do now?
After researching about this, I found that a “new beginning” can only really be achieved when people are emotionally ready to behave and think in a completely different way, and are able to let go of the past. So, what happens to those who don’t find themselves ready to accept this change? Do they carry on in the already deprived situation that they are in? Or, do they force themselves to make this change, and if so, will that really work if it’s against their will? These are just questions that I tend to ask myself and query about others. Every person is different and each change will affect us in a different way, we just need to figure out what way works best for us individually.

Life isn’t supposed to be easy (why that is, I have no idea). But it’s something that, I guess, has to be sucked up and dealt with besides the obstacles we all must face on a daily basis. We face hard times, some try to confront them while others try to avoid them, both are going to face problems along the way. Everyone is going to face problems in life, they are 100 per cent inevitable. In order to provide the best for yourself in life, you must focus on what is ahead of you, rather than what is behind you. You’re only ever going to move forward, never backwards. Time is moving fast, and we are all running out of it. Take what you have and make the most out of it, reach for your goals and achieve what you are capable of, because one day you’re going to regret not doing them.

new begin

So, here I am again. Taking yet another new beginning…