I feel honoured that you let me have that side of you,
the side that is invisible to everyone else.
But I also feel disheartened that you keep only that side for me,
not the one that you make an effort to smile for.
I want you to make an effort to smile for me,
sometimes.

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All, then nothing.

All, then nothing.

It’s funny, how one minute everyone is by your side, joint at the hip, then at an unnoticeable fast pace, everyone seems to just vanish into thin air. The only people I’ve yet to see disappear is my immediate family. Though I know that won’t happen because I know they care, and know that it’d take a lot to lose them (so cliché, I know, but I’m serious).

Anyway, I remember in primary school I’d be friends with everyone in my class. We would all play around together with the occasional “fall out”, simply because someone peeked at their work or borrowed their gel pens. Things gradually changed, children grew to teenagers. Some were lovely, don’t get me wrong. But plenty were not, and those were the people I tended to fall next to. Many times my “best friend” had become nothing but a distant memory. Each grasping and holding onto a place in my mind, preventing itself from escaping. It’s a constant cycle that I keep getting stuck in. When I do manage to build a friendship, it always comes crumbling down one way or another. There has been quite a few times when it’s broken down because I was being taken advantage of. However, this pattern just seems to be repetitive and almost too often, I’m starting to wonder if it’s my own fault that I can’t keep relationships with other people. Perhaps they don’t really understand me, or perhaps I’m just not who they thought I was to begin with. See, with me, I tend to “mask” the real me, my true personality, until I thoroughly know a person then I’ll start to “let my hair down”. And I’m assuming this would be quite difficult for people to get to terms with… I mean, it must be difficult to meet someone and think you’re alike and that you have a lot in common, to then realise that they aren’t who you thought – probably a bit weird.

Making friends isn’t something I do easily, at all. I barely speak to people I don’t know, let alone building a new relationship with someone. I’m not sure why I find it so difficult, I just do. I’m extremely jealous of those who can talk away to people they have never met before, I hate that I have so much social anxiety. However, on the rare occasion that I do manage to talk to someone, besides feeling very overwhelmed, it’s sort of nice and quite relieving to be reminded that there are other people in this world. Nice people.

It can be very lonely having no one there to talk to, whether it’s just being in their company or needing a shoulder to cry on. Building and sustaining friendships is an essential part to growing up, in my opinion. I believe that because I had bad experiences with it, my self confidence with making friends and talking to new people has suffered thoroughly. This bothers me, because my own ability to socialise was torn from me because of the actions of other people (sad, really). I often feel lonely, despite being in a crowd of people. And while I’m aware I have my family here, there are just some things that I’d prefer to discuss with a friend. I found myself in these situations quite often, having friends then none at all, over and over. That happened for years, still is happening if I’m honest – I am working on it, though.

I have also found that I need to be asked questions by another person in order for there to be an active conversation, I’m not good at that whatsoever. But, if someone asks me questions then I’m willing to answer them as best I can, as well as feeling like they want to talk to me.
So, I’m going to end this post by asking you to do me one favour. If you see someone struggling to talk to you, or even if they are sitting alone, talk to them. Ask them how they are, or what they did at the weekend. Although it may not be the case, they could have social anxiety too, and are not sure how to talk to other people, or make friends. Please, try to talk to them and make them feel like they are wanted, and listened to.

be the reason