You deserve to be happy!

You deserve to be happy!

2015 took some time to gain, well, control of. I began the year with my typical activities; eat, movies, eat, sleep. I was living my life through movies as my brain broke apart, each crumb leaving me one step further from reality. The life I was living was not one I wanted.

Responsibility. I didn’t have it, but now I do. I’m becoming responsible for myself, my body and my mind.
Motivation. Stand up to those voices in your mind telling you that your bed is like soft clouds, heated by the sun. Get up, get out and do something you only ever think of doing!
Strength. If you do everything with all of your strength, you will be (yes, tired) but also accomplished. You will have achieved whatever it may be to the best of your ability.

For me, this started with healthy eating and joining a local gym. I’ve wanted to join one for many years, but I was always too self conscious about people judging how I looked. But I’ve come to realise that everyone has to start somewhere, and I’m only going to stay this self conscious unless I actually face my fears, and do what I need to do!

3

Trainers on, earphones in, and work those legs! *faints 5 minutes later…*

IMG_1804IMG_1828

Not gonna lie, I’m a little embarrassed at the shape I’m in, but it won’t be for long! Behold the picture to show my starting point! (above)
I’ve now been to the gym 3 times, and I was able to run 400 metres yesterday, without breaks. For me, this is a huge achievement and I’m extremely proud of myself for even trying!

I am so ready for everything, and I’m going to push through this harder than I ever have before, because I can. Because I want to. The only person stopping me from becoming who I want to be, is myself.

(You can expect plenty of progress posts, oh yeah!)

So, if you take something from this post, I’d like it to be that you tell yourself the following, everyday; Everyone deserves to be happy. I deserve to be happy.

1

Here’s to happy, healthy and fit!!

How we met

How we met

Anonymous messages,
Received at irregular moments.
Pondering questions floating
Aimlessly around my mind.
Who are you?

Poems, words,
Imagined voices in my ears,
The same person, signed
Kisses, D
Please, who are you?

New post:
‘I would love a pen pal’
New message:
‘I would also love a pen pal’
Is this you?

Doorbell rings,
Presenting a parcel at the tip of my toes.
Restless hands tear it apart.
A letter, from you?
Kisses, D

Growing Up

Growing Up

I lack skill in the memory department, so trying to reminisce about growing up is proving to be quite a challenge.

Family is the word I am struggling to avoid, most likely because they are the people who have managed to shape the person that I have become. Family are the people that guided me through my first steps, praised me as I mumbled over my first word and wiped my mouth as I, persistently, kept attempting to demolish my first birthday cake. I loved nothing more than wasting each minute with my family, laughing about things that not many others would find worthy of a crooked smile.

I remember the memories we created with my grandparents in their caravan, just past Newcastle. We would spend weekends, Easter breaks and every moment of summer together in this compact container. I feel myself almost holding my breath as I think about the sleeping arrangements, with beds so compressed that I’m lucky to stay put throughout the night. I spent nights attempting to sleep with the constant bleats of noise in the field beyond my bed. The local clan of teenagers, clearly seeking something to rid them of their boredom, often enjoyed setting the whin buses alight. There would be sirens and havoc amongst the insignificant village within minutes. I recall every incident as if it were yesterday.

As everyone knows, schooling affects the development of a person whether it’s for the better, or for worse. I adored school, I loved to learn new things. I was always baffled by how much there was to learn about. Whereas, socially, I struggled. Oblivious, and wanting a mutual friendship, I always found myself grasping hold of those that I could never truly trust. On the idea that I was destined to have no friends, I restricted the time I spent with other people. To my surprise, I would later meet some people that would make me feel accepted in who I am, and the encouragement to grow as a person.

Growing up is perpetual. Despite that we grow physically as a child, we still continue to grow and learn new things every day of our lives that affect who we are.

Home

Home

Home used to be a place. It was a house situated within many, many others. Assembled in a city that is inevitably growing. Due to the increase of children within our minuscule household, we receded to a more remote environment. Now, our house is fixed in a rustic, peaceful community. I adore how each morning, the picturesque scenery lives softly outside my window, as the sun pierces through the darkness to wake up the earth another day. While miles, and miles, of endless space permits children to explore from early hours of the morning until last thing at night. The smell of country roads and fresh grass perfuming the air encourages me to walk for hours and take in every little detail that the world has to offer.

Despite that my house is somewhere I can go to create memories and be with my family. The word home, for me, is seen as more of a feeling than a place. Home is the feeling I get when I am at ease. It is the lift in my shoulders when my thoughts endeavour to weigh me down. It can be the familiar, like the outbreak of laughter that leaves cheeks gleaming with tears. Home is security, when I am held hostage in my own mind, I think of home and I am free.

It is more than just a building, or a group of loved ones. Home is the structure, the strength and the ability to pull together as one.

All, then nothing.

All, then nothing.

It’s funny, how one minute everyone is by your side, joint at the hip, then at an unnoticeable fast pace, everyone seems to just vanish into thin air. The only people I’ve yet to see disappear is my immediate family. Though I know that won’t happen because I know they care, and know that it’d take a lot to lose them (so cliché, I know, but I’m serious).

Anyway, I remember in primary school I’d be friends with everyone in my class. We would all play around together with the occasional “fall out”, simply because someone peeked at their work or borrowed their gel pens. Things gradually changed, children grew to teenagers. Some were lovely, don’t get me wrong. But plenty were not, and those were the people I tended to fall next to. Many times my “best friend” had become nothing but a distant memory. Each grasping and holding onto a place in my mind, preventing itself from escaping. It’s a constant cycle that I keep getting stuck in. When I do manage to build a friendship, it always comes crumbling down one way or another. There has been quite a few times when it’s broken down because I was being taken advantage of. However, this pattern just seems to be repetitive and almost too often, I’m starting to wonder if it’s my own fault that I can’t keep relationships with other people. Perhaps they don’t really understand me, or perhaps I’m just not who they thought I was to begin with. See, with me, I tend to “mask” the real me, my true personality, until I thoroughly know a person then I’ll start to “let my hair down”. And I’m assuming this would be quite difficult for people to get to terms with… I mean, it must be difficult to meet someone and think you’re alike and that you have a lot in common, to then realise that they aren’t who you thought – probably a bit weird.

Making friends isn’t something I do easily, at all. I barely speak to people I don’t know, let alone building a new relationship with someone. I’m not sure why I find it so difficult, I just do. I’m extremely jealous of those who can talk away to people they have never met before, I hate that I have so much social anxiety. However, on the rare occasion that I do manage to talk to someone, besides feeling very overwhelmed, it’s sort of nice and quite relieving to be reminded that there are other people in this world. Nice people.

It can be very lonely having no one there to talk to, whether it’s just being in their company or needing a shoulder to cry on. Building and sustaining friendships is an essential part to growing up, in my opinion. I believe that because I had bad experiences with it, my self confidence with making friends and talking to new people has suffered thoroughly. This bothers me, because my own ability to socialise was torn from me because of the actions of other people (sad, really). I often feel lonely, despite being in a crowd of people. And while I’m aware I have my family here, there are just some things that I’d prefer to discuss with a friend. I found myself in these situations quite often, having friends then none at all, over and over. That happened for years, still is happening if I’m honest – I am working on it, though.

I have also found that I need to be asked questions by another person in order for there to be an active conversation, I’m not good at that whatsoever. But, if someone asks me questions then I’m willing to answer them as best I can, as well as feeling like they want to talk to me.
So, I’m going to end this post by asking you to do me one favour. If you see someone struggling to talk to you, or even if they are sitting alone, talk to them. Ask them how they are, or what they did at the weekend. Although it may not be the case, they could have social anxiety too, and are not sure how to talk to other people, or make friends. Please, try to talk to them and make them feel like they are wanted, and listened to.

be the reason

 

Even when the rain is falling, there is still room to shine

Even when the rain is falling, there is still room to shine

The title of this post is the caption I have provided to my painting (below). I didn’t originally intend for this painting to be as meaningful to me as it is now. But, it actually speaks more than I’d initially planned.

IMG_5838

The rain and storm represents the tough society we currently live amongst, and the hard reality of everyday life. The umbrella works as a protector against these obstacles, and therefore helps to let the fire rise. The fire is an individual, they are bright and colourful and continually growing to become better than they’ve ever been.

The umbrella, a protector, quite obviously against the rain and storm. Like life, we all have someone or something that manages to shield us from the reality of this harsh world. This could be a friend, family member or anyone that has managed to grasp onto your trust, like a bee stealing pollen from the richest flower. Sometimes, though, it isn’t as easy for some to have another person that they are able to call a guardian angel, to protect them from the storm on this earth. But for them, it’s okay because they rely on certain things or activities, such as an item they cherish, or crafts that they find helpful to relax and safely allow them to forget about what is going on, even for a little while. Meanwhile, there are people out there – though it may be rare – that are able to become their own protectors. They have a voice of their own, and they aren’t afraid to use it. They know what is best for them and being strong enough to actually become your own protector is honourable – and something I would love to aim for. Even standing up for what you believe in, or yourself. If you are able to tell people how you feel, especially if they are taking advantage of you, then that’s amazing (and, honestly, a characteristic that I completely admire). Stand up for what you believe in, become your own protector.

The rain and storm which falls upon, and around, the protector strives to destroy whoever is under it’s wing. Just like this world, a lot of people are going to do anything in their power to destroy the feelings of others, especially those who are happier than they are themselves. It’s funny, you know, how people want to corrupt the happiness of others to make themselves feel better. I would love to understand how that provides them with a positive emotion. What is so satisfying about destroying another person’s life? I’m keen to know. But as a wise, perceptive friend has told me (you can find her here), people will pick on those who have something they don’t, they are jealous. You’ve got to be happy and feel empowered, rather than insignificant, because they are thinking about how YOU are better than them. They will try to make you feel useless, and hopeless. You can’t let them win, you’ve got to become useful and hopeful for yourself and in doing so, you’ll help these people to realise that they can’t bring others down in order to get themselves up. The umbrella works as a shield to help when things are tough, but it isn’t going to hold itself up in the air. It’s up to yourself and how you deal with things that will determine your fate.

The fire begins weak and not so full of colour. This can only grow with the help of others, good and bad, as well as your own willpower. The protector provides them with good help, like I mentioned before, this could be someone or something. In this case, the umbrella is providing a cover for the rain upon the fire. If too much rain falls over it, then the fire is put out and, therefore the storm has ultimately won. So, it’s important that we have those protectors there to help us get through the worst of times that, although we might not like to admit it, can be quite the struggle to get through on our own. There is also the “bad” help from other people, those who provide us with negative, yet inspiring, memories. These moments in life are absolutely unavoidable, every single person living on this sphere named Earth will go through bad times in their lives. But, it’s essential that we learn from them, grow from them. The mistakes you’ve made will prepare you for most things in the future. It’s okay to make mistakes! You’ll never meet anyone that hasn’t made them, I can promise you that.

Be you’re own fire, take over everything that you love and enjoy, be yourself and aim as high as the sky. Burn the things that try to make you change who you are. And mostly, shine. Shine so bright that every other eye in the world almost melts at your passion. Because you do have the ability to do so.